Shake it Off, Shake the Fear of Feeling Lost

easy fall transitional dress with vans sneakers and denim jacket

What I’m Wearing…

* Free People – Love of My Life Dress in pink/rose (it’s on sale on amazon right now and available in more colors!)… my favorite dress for a few years now. I have it in black and light blue as well.
* Hollister men’s denim jacket with a hood – I bought this for Chad a few years ago but I love it and steal it and wear it. I love how it’s oversized and lined because it’s bulkier than a regular denim jacket and the hood is removable. I think this is a men’s medium.
* Checkered Vans… in about one month it will be too cold for all my Vans
* Barton Perreira Winnette sunglasses – I still love these
* The Marc Jacobs pillow bag
* Black and white floral phone case from Claire’s – most of my favorite phone cases are from Claires (and they’re super inexpensive). I’m a little obsessed with this one. popsocket sold separately, I went with all black
* Ruby onyx necklace from my DIY Saskia Kit (I love this… have been wearing it every day since I made it!)
* Nails: Essie Expressie Slate Blue 340

* Title: Sam Smith – Diamonds… when I first heard this song I almost changed it, but the bridge and chorus are infectious. I’m obsessed now and it’s on repeat.

blush pink dress with denim jacket and sneakers

I think this title is apropos for the way I’ve been feeling for a while now… just a little lost. Searching. Wondering. Contemplating. I’m sure if you’ve been following along, it’s obvious. Or maybe not. Maybe we’re all a little lost now and then… maybe we’re always lost and never entirely “found”. Maybe it’s a desire to control the uncontrollable…

I’d like to blame COVID and quarantine, and though it has enhanced the feelings and brought them to the forefront, they were going on well before March. In fact, they have been going on for a few years, beneath the surface, bubbling up and then simmering down… probably since my divorce, if I’m honest, and I’ve leapt from one distraction to another in an attempt to either solve the issue or run from it. It’s clear to me now that I just haven’t dealt with all of it emotionally, maybe I couldn’t or didn’t know how and leaping was the only thing I could do.

When we are certain about what we are doing or have a plan or goal we’re working towards or even have a schedule that dictates our days, there’s this knowing, this working toward a larger overall goal rather than focusing on the little daily distractions of survival. But when the controlling elements of those things aren’t there for us to latch onto, to build an identity around, everything crumbles and you have to start taking inventory.

2020 has really given me the chance to see it for what it is in a way I wasn’t able to before, it amplified everything and forced me to honor my feelings surrounding my past and what was vs what is and judging and doubting myself for everything along the way. I’ve blamed everything in my life for not being “right” when all along I knew that I wasn’t “right” and then blamed all the things from keeping me from being able to find “right”.

One minute I’m running towards my future full speed ahead and the very next moment running as fast as I can in the opposite direction. I’m afraid of repeating my past, finding myself in the very life I felt so trapped in, lost forever in a repeat cycle of unhappiness and instead of moving forward, I’ve been pacing in circles not knowing which direction is “right”, scared to trust my intuition that failed me so miserably in the past. Even now, the ongoing argument in my head has to do with wondering if I’m ignoring red flags or just constantly triggered by past trauma and afraid to look within. Is it me or is it everything else? It’s probably mostly me… and maybe a little of everything else. But I know that when I’m “right” within, then it’s a lot easier to see the difference and to trust my intuition and make decisions confidently.

I have made a decision in the last week that I am excited about. In some areas, I do still trust my intuition, just not in areas of the heart, but this is for my own heart, for my own well-being, having nothing to do with anyone else, an investment in me, and that feels really good. It feels so “right”.

It’s not anything epic and I’m probably reading far too much into it… but there is possibility I haven’t felt in a while that is lighting me up and though I don’t want my expectations to exceed it, I truly hope it exceeds all my expectations. But if nothing else, I know it will give me a new sense of “me” again, the me I’ve been on the hunt for for a while now… because it already has in a way and it’s not even real yet, and for that alone I am grateful.